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Sunday, August 14, 2011
Dear Blog,
- I am temporarily locking you. I am sorry, but your attention seeking days are over. I feel like I need to put down all my thoughts here. Times are hard, my dreams are too big and I am too small to get anywhere near. The Main Questions beg to be answered and it is overwhelming. These thoughts, they come, and when they go, maybe what's left of them would be comfortable for the world to see. Until then.
- I feel like I'm i fragmented into pieces. I never feel enough for anyone. I leave pieces of myself everywhere, with you, you, you, and you. I am nothing neither of you make me out to be. That is why I am never going to be good enough for you. Thoughts of C keeps coming back to haunt me. Maybe since then I learnt how not to give everything to one person, because disappointments always come and they always hurt. There is not one day that goes by where I still think "if you were still here, I'd tell you about this". Broken people should never meet each other. I gave you everything yet we were self destructive and we should have known.
- Prelims are here. And honestly I was discouraged by the Physics paper. I have so much at stake and so much I hoped to have done. I dont really want to go on anymore. Everything is out of control and I had never wanted to find myself here right now, but here I am. Maybe I'm just not meant for it.
- I want to talk to You. Sometimes I feel like talking to you is like talking to Him. I wonder what has happened in between. Why have I grown complacent and proud that my dependence on Him seem no longer neccessary? Help me learn. Help me commit.
- Commitment. We talked about this yesterday and how our lives should be lived in a way that reflects out commitment to God. Yesterday night I made a promise on how I no longer want to be involved in M anymore. Because I should live for eternity. I also know how M has seeped into my life. It has easily taken over because I've always wanted to feel whole. And when M is around for that moment, I am able to feel like that could be a possibility, that there would be someone out there that is really able to make me feel complete. If this is Your test God, give me your Grace that will get me through this.
- Funny how everything's always a cycle. You'd never see me and I'd probably never see you. Are we designed this way? How long will we keep going until someone gives up and settles? Why do you keep walking in and out.
- I really need to study. But I am becoming more of an emotional mess everyday, and I need this space to keep things straight. I need to think coherently and set things in order. I will be okay. I need to not screw this up for myself.
My thoughts are dismantled and I am confused. I am going to sleep now and wake up in 4 hours. Chemistry to finish and history to read. I need to survive Prelims.
Labels: everyday's bits and pieces
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First there are the ones who read it, listen to what is said and absorb it, all of it. Then they draw an impression of her in their minds, and she stays like that to them until she does not matter, just because they are simple enough to take it all in, every single piece of it. 
