Now I come clean. To think. To wonder. To ponder upon. Everybody is excited about going home this March. Everyone. Everyone but me. I have no idea why. I guess its just me.

No more anticipation. No more excitement, no more joy, no more reasons. There might be waiting, a waiting for something I need, something I really want to wait for. But whatever it might be, it sure hasn’t appeared yet.

Its not that I hate Malaysia or I just love Singapore. Its just that I don’t have a purpose there anymore. Bringing me back just breaks me down, putting me back down in Singapore hurts me even more. The complications going on deep inside, to hard to describe.

And to think how much I miss them when im here. I feel like a freaking retard.

Dad, I love you.

Mom, I love you.

Ah boy, I miss you too.

Er jie, you make me proud.

Guys and Gals back in CHS, you’ll never know how often I think of you guys.

* the things my heart has been pounding to blurt out.

But where’s my chance?

I hate myself. So much I even blame it on others. I cant help it. I really put my heart into everything back there, and now to leave it all behind and struggle all over again. It hurts so much. I just cant go on. But for you guys, for myself, I go on and on.. Do you even know?

Don’t worry, they’ll never know. I don’t think they even want to know.

And going back doesn’t help. Being back home you feel at home. You feel like everything’s gonna be okay, that everything is going back as usual.

How wrong you might be.

They cant find time for you. The laughs, the fun, the love, all gone. Nothing is ever left for you. Crazy conversations changes into polite, simple greetings. I hate it. So much. Don’t they remember the laughs we had the tears we cried? Oh well. At least they’ll never know the tears I’m crying for them now.

In the family the dinner stays the same, the food made by dad is still the top of the world. But, but, something’s missing, I don’t know what but it all is just so fake. And somehow, everybody just plays along with it.

I don’t know whats wrong. I want to change it but somehow it all ends up wrong. I cant help it. I know I’ve hurt others along the way. I’m sorry.

This march, I might be home. But where will my heart be? I don’t know. </3

Labels: everyday's bits and pieces, I rant; I whine; I eat swines, running in my head and heart