This is frustrating for me because I cannot get myself to settle down and I need to. I NEED TO. I can't stop letting my mind roam and I'm starting to think that I have ADHD. I cannot sit still and I want to get out of my stuffy room and breathe good air outside but it's raining and I don't have an umbrella. I also don't have money to do anything. And it all sucks because I have a pile of homework that I paid for to do, which really is nonsensical because when i thought about it, i realised i actually paid for my own torture. But I actually really want to study because I know this is it. It's do or die. And I keep thinking how I am totally digging my own grave by procrastinating. And I keep thinking how I want to find myself in different places and yet I cannot decide exactly where. After that I realise that this decision making is all futile because I am not going anywhere at this rate. But these hands of mine  wont work and my mind floats around in and out of different dimensions. I still cannot figure things out.

And it gets worse to know that you don't give two cents after all.




God, help me.
























breathe, breathe, breathe. Off to SATs.

Labels: blooped., I rant; I whine; I eat swines

Really? I'm sick and you think it's my excuse to not attending my Physics Test? You've got to be kidding me. I cannot believe how you'd always assume the worst of me.

And you always wonder why I don't tell you things. And you wonder why I dont share.

Labels: I rant; I whine; I eat swines

And suddenly this place is so sacred to me. It's been 3 years, and this is the only thing that I'm consistent at. My life is that uneventful and that pathetic. Thank you.

This is probably the reason why I dont warm up to people easily. I'd like you to think I'm cold and distant, pretty much an arrogant bitch because I'd  be comfortable knowing what you think about me. Because even I dont know myself, I speak too loud, laugh too hard, my sense of humour is skewed and my viewpoints make absolutely no sense. I am always on the defensive (you cannot hurt me), I snap back fast and hard, you'd never try again. I get into awkward relationships and never had the heart to move on from there. I'm insecure. But you wouldnt know.

You see, this is me. I jump without looking, speak without thinking it through. In the battle of the head and heart, my heart always wins. Yet, I am far from apologetic for who I am.

But sometimes (most of the time, everytime), to keep you (me) safe, I hide in this world I'm not accustomed to share with anyone. Here I am fearless, here I dont get bruised, here I hide in a wonderland I conjured, I am at peace.

And yet, here,you see me become disconnected, cold, and heartless.









This word vomit is making me nauseous.

Labels: I rant; I whine; I eat swines, running in my head and heart

It's getting tiring. I am tired of trying to read people. I don't know what is going on. You're not talking, well, neither will I. I have had enough of this. If this is about what you think about me, then shut up. Because you know what, I loved you for who you are. And if you don't like me for who I am also, then maybe there's no point of this friendship I thought we had. Maybe next time, before you judge someone else, look into the mirror first, and then maybe you'd realise how much someone else might have let you get off with. Because nobody is perfect, and yet I still think of you as a friend. A good one, in fact.

Labels: I rant; I whine; I eat swines

RED, GOLD and BLUE!

just in case you were wondering. I'm having fun in orientation. And i think my orientation dances going to be my firsts since kindergarten. OG's awesome. All is good.

Only concern now is, how am i supposed to look decent in my oversized uniform! I hope the altering will work out. :S
and and and my pullover is just the right length, but too puffy in the sleeves. ohno!
HOW NOW BROWN COW!

ok, im growing pimples and eyebags. i should go dream now.

Goodnight to you.

p.s: will update when i get my early day on Thursday. i need sleep for now. :)

Labels: everyday's bits and pieces, I rant; I whine; I eat swines

had something to say. lost it. frustrated. will just show you my side of the room (and how it usually looks like).

Labels: I rant; I whine; I eat swines

   

Labels: I rant; I whine; I eat swines

and i thought i made the right choice, i miss home.

seriously, i dont get you. if you seriously have something to say to me, say it. if you are to talk about me, name me. whats with all this?
  
seriously, i give in. i just wanted it simple, apparently not, not according to you. so be it. i actually, was okay with all this happening now, but not anymore, i dont think so. 

i quit. now i've just got to find the guts to do it. damn.

seriously, i want to kick ass right now.

this post isnt about  you. but if you want to blab all about it somewhere, sure. go ahead.


nobody's listening? well, apparently, you are.

Labels: I rant; I whine; I eat swines

sick and tired.

cant get my priorities straight nowadays.
books? cca? or the people around me?
i've been snapping at people. and i feel like shit.
its just so frustrating. shitty in fact.
i dont know what im heading for. dont see my aim no more
this sucks. doing so much not knowing whats in for me. and its freaking disappointing.
do this, do that, do these, finish those.
its never ending and its piling up.
im losing focus. i cant see what i want already.
im flunking and im obviously not trying to save things.
teachers, mommy and daddy deserve much more than what i am now.
i should be more than what i really am now. i know that. but how?
might as well sleep till i rot. useless.

i need help. but i dont want it.
nianci you crappy girl. this shucks. shucks bad.

Labels: I rant; I whine; I eat swines

just when i thought that this might just be a turn for the better.
just when i thought we could start over.
just when i thought i could try to be happy.
just when i thought that this change should be anticipated.

and then my whole world comes falling down on me. fuck.

ive got nothing to say, not much to type.
this whole week, i really felt blessed.
i thought that maybe and just maybe things might just be worthwhile.

and then. it stopped.
not allowing me to stay a little longer in this wonderful feeling, in the midst of who knows what it was.
its true. sweet things do come to a bitter end.
why am i not surprised?
why am i not crying?
why am i not in the urge to care much anymore?

i tried so hard you know, and then i was comfortable, i started missing you, much much more than i've ever had in my life.
so what? it ends the same.
it ended like this when i was 4, when i was 12, 13 and now.

it has always been there, you know, that barrier between us.
they get kisses, hugs from their own. me? never.
i remember crying once on the way home seeing them have what i dont.

i will continue to stand, i know i will.
with you or even without you, its just a matter of being sweet or sweeter.

"no, i didnt go to church for rehearsal yesterday, i was out with my new boyfriend, he got us a room and we totally decided to have sex."

why cant you just trust me, for once?
i didnt pick up because i didnt want to lie about where i was and what i was doing.
you'd never understand.




it ends this way again. whatever.

Labels: I rant; I whine; I eat swines, running in my head and heart

ooh. to comfort you is it?
i see. then you must love me so much. wow.
i didnt know.
too bad for you, do i look like i care?
nothing will change, i've tried and it doesnt work.
and you appear to be the way you are. great.
thanks for contributing. no i dont wanna talk about it.
hahz.

asean night tomorrow. yayz. =]

Labels: I rant; I whine; I eat swines

you.
fuck you. bitch.
yeap. id said it.
i have never scolded anyone with these words before.
congratulations. you are the first.
i hate you. i really hate you.
another congrats to you. cos i have never hated anyone since i was like five?
wow. you're good.

you like to compare is it?
"10 or above" huh?
so you have "10 and below", wow.
ok. thats your point is it?
fine.
bring-it-on.
you wanna compare. tell me.
we'll do it openly.
i'll take it all out with you.

you want to show that you're better, huh?
sorry. but its my time.
oops. sorry, i've just hit your sensitive spot.
i alomost forgot that you're 17.
let me recall that im 15?!?
your time was over like 2 years ago? very good.

this time. only this time.
i didnt know that you were so.
i tried, you know. tried to patch things up with you.

now? forget it.
this is war. i'll show you.
oh wait, why do i care about you?
i'll show myself, that i am better than you.
far way better that you.

very good. prepare tissues yea.
tonight i cried for all the fucking things you've done to me.
believe me, its gonna be the last time.

the next time, it'll be your turn.

sleep while you can, dream while you're still able to.
goodnights.

Labels: I rant; I whine; I eat swines