Okay. Let's try to get this posted by 2am.

So, I've survived my first Christmas away from home, and my first uni examinations! Yay I am titanium/bulletproof/all that jazz. The exams went alright, and i hope the results would somehow reflect that. I'm kind of worried for LMS but it's over now and there's nothing I can do, so booyou exams booyou, you are not affecting me.

The new semester has just begun and it's finally feeling like the new year. I think it's going to feel like this from now on. February will be the start of the new year. I have certain things in mind that I'd like to get done this year. Now all I need to do is get my ass off. And I will, I hope. It was nice cleaning my room for the new semester! Moved some stuff around so it feels like there's more space now! Could have a few friends over now with space on the floor for everyone, so that's good. The new year and term looks challenging, but then I am excited! Let's hope this feeling continues and sustains me through the term. I am still incredibly grateful for everything I've received/ all the people I've met/ all the opportunities I've been given. Thank you God.

Just randomly writing cos I'm a bit tipsy+incredibly sleepy. It's like you're on the verge of collapsing but then all these thoughts come to your mind and you'd like to think of them. Delirium. Doesnt help that Kodaline is so damn sad/good at the same time. So like all these emotions/homesickness is getting to me. Speaking of home sickness, I've really thought about where my "home" really was. Sometimes I think Malaysia, but most times I think it's Singapore. And other times I see myself calling Manchester my home. I guess I adapt pretty well, huh. I'm young, I'll figure it out. No pressure.

I'm feeling sleepy. And i bet nothing I wrote above made sense. I'll try harder tomorrow.

Labels: blooped., everyday's bits and pieces

I wished I knew what is really happening and how everything now would somehow make sense. I wished I had answers and that some sense of certainty would dawn upon me. I work, but I always end up feeling I am still going nowhere. So I sleep to avoid and evade, and to allow everything to not matter at least from the time my eyes are closed. I hope I get over this soon.

I dont need this right now. So please stop.

Labels: blooped.

At the start of the night I was frustrated about you, but then I saw you and I know now how I am never going to be good with you. I should have seen it coming. But the disillusionment was good and at least I know that I still have the capacity to be in whatever I was in. Long story short, I think up is where I go from here because from the look you gave me I know how I am okay on my own, in fact, I am absolutely fantastic with it. I dont need you to pull me down.

Labels: blooped.

This is frustrating for me because I cannot get myself to settle down and I need to. I NEED TO. I can't stop letting my mind roam and I'm starting to think that I have ADHD. I cannot sit still and I want to get out of my stuffy room and breathe good air outside but it's raining and I don't have an umbrella. I also don't have money to do anything. And it all sucks because I have a pile of homework that I paid for to do, which really is nonsensical because when i thought about it, i realised i actually paid for my own torture. But I actually really want to study because I know this is it. It's do or die. And I keep thinking how I am totally digging my own grave by procrastinating. And I keep thinking how I want to find myself in different places and yet I cannot decide exactly where. After that I realise that this decision making is all futile because I am not going anywhere at this rate. But these hands of mine  wont work and my mind floats around in and out of different dimensions. I still cannot figure things out.

And it gets worse to know that you don't give two cents after all.




God, help me.
























breathe, breathe, breathe. Off to SATs.

Labels: blooped., I rant; I whine; I eat swines

I'm never going to be good enough. You see I've lived each day trying to prove to someone that someday I will be. Until then, I'm going to be stuck here. Surprisingly, I am very comfortable here. Let me be for a while. I'll be there one day.

I hope from the depths of my heart that you're okay.

Labels: blooped.

I can't write Beautiful. Just like how I can't have you.

Labels: blooped.

Sometimes we look back and we see beauty in the times of pain and sorrow. It's like looking at photographs and reminiscing. The distance allows space for us to conjure some sort of romantic purpose for it. And then we wonder when will such beauty come upon us again. What exactly have we done then to deserve tastes of perfection? I realised how much of a different person I am now, and moulding me to become who I am today was a story with a myriad of simple complexities. Funny how things always work out and how we always end up hungry when dinner time comes. Yet it is comforting to know that no matter how far we go and how badly we stumble, there are always constants. God, for one, has been faithful. And I am beyond thankful. So as we look ahead, apprehension dawns upon us and it's really no surprise when surprises creep in. Hang in there, they always say. Go in confidence drawn from who we were, and go with the hope of who we want to be. By Grace, it always turns out okay. We always end up where we're supposed to be. Home.




Where do I go from here? I have no idea. But I need to start somewhere.

Labels: blooped.

I am decided.

 Yesterday's sermon and Alpha's worship was all I needed. I actually have some answers now and it's giving me a lot of peace and a lot less anxiety. I know all I have to do is have a lot of faith to sit with Him and wait.

It's going to be good. We're going to be good. I know it already.

Labels: blooped., everyday's bits and pieces, God is Good

nothing is in line. i'm so confused scrambled eggs would somehow make more sense.
and yet in all of this, you somehow manage to find your way to me. And I don't know what to do about it.

i dont have a clue, but im hoping im not weaving this up in my head.

Labels: blooped.