Yesterday, things were bad. I had everything all well planned but nothing turned out right, everything turned out to scheme against me. I knew I had no control and then flashes of the "bigger picture" that was falling into pieces just continuously appeared in my mind. At the back of my mind came the question "What did I do or not do for You to leave me behind?". I felt so helpless and I couldnt talk to anyone, I was at the verge of tears the entire night.

But today was definitely better. Despite waking up and vomiting dark green phlegm, everything became more pleasant. I couldn't believe it at all when I found my cards, I was really convinced that they were gone forever. Apparently not. I literally held my breath when it fell out of my diary. "Thank you God, Sorry." were the first words I muttered. Looking back at yesterday's faithlessness and doubt, I realised how small I have been spiritually. I need to do something about this. This morning's chapel worship was awesome. Alicia and I sang. Usually nobody sings so I feel so awkward when I do it, but now I have a worship buddy. But more importantly, I learnt from chapel that nothing will realise until surrender and make space for God.

So space I will make. I think I will fast (refrain) from

• Facebook
• Sweet Drinks
• Overeating/overspending on food (3 dollars a day)
• Naps (this is going to be so hard)

Labels: everyday's bits and pieces, God is Good

I am decided.

 Yesterday's sermon and Alpha's worship was all I needed. I actually have some answers now and it's giving me a lot of peace and a lot less anxiety. I know all I have to do is have a lot of faith to sit with Him and wait.

It's going to be good. We're going to be good. I know it already.

Labels: blooped., everyday's bits and pieces, God is Good

It was the weekend, and here I am, still trying to finish my History essay and then hope to get started on my GP essay. Well, welcome to JC2 Nianci.
The week ahead is going to be intimidating. With the round robin thingy coming up some time this week, OGL rehearsals until the late evenings, Orientation starting this Thursday, Training, and most importantly sleep inducing lectures, I can barely breathe just thinking about it.
But it is all going to be worth looking froward to. I sure hope so.
There's also a GP test this week, bummer.

But after attending CF, and being around people who really do care, I know. I know that this is not bigger than me. Well, it most certainly no bigger than the God  who has my life in His hands.

Aunty Linda said something today:
When you've done your best and you don't feel guilty towards your parents, yourself and God, the outcome would be the least of your concern. 


And i guess it's true. I think that with all the teachers emphasising how we must work hard to even be admitted into any decent university, I allowed myself to be too overwhelmed by everything. Then, I feel helpless and choose to run away from work, since it seems to me that nothing great would come out from me anyway.

So, I've agreed to Aunty Linda's offer to be my mentor. And I think this is what I really need. I need to be accountable to someone. His voice seems tinier than ever before, I don't hear anymore. I am intimidated, I am overwhelmed, I am striving for all the wrong things. I care more about the things that do not matter.

I know who I am in His image. I do. And so I'm coming home. I'm rediscovering my first love. I want to experience the peace that surpasses all logical understanding. Lord, help me learn to count on you again. Draw me close to You. 


I pray for growth, I pray for faith, I pray for submission to You. I pray for Your plan for me.

Labels: everyday's bits and pieces, God is Good, running in my head and heart

yes, what if it never happens? what in the world will happen if what you've been working hard and waited long for never shows itself? what happens then? what happens when you know you've struggled so much and yet, everything that happens around you just doesnt come close to what you hoped for it to be?

would you tear? cry for all the wasted efforts and the pointless patience, and the missed opportunities you sacrificed just so you'd stand that chance to achieve that something that eventually did not come? would you stop? stop working for the things you have faith in, things you believe will come, and stop hoping altogether?

it's true, sometimes you can't help but think that after all the relentless efforts of pushing through and holding on, things might not turn out the way you would want it to.

but then, everytime these things do not come, these snippets you dream of does not show itself in reality, a soft whisper always speaks to the heart. wait for it, something even better will come by.

and then when the day comes, where you see all the magnificent things that has made presence in your life, you cant help but be in awe of how things, even all the failures and shortcomings, have fallen right into place, weaving together something bigger, better and more beautiful than what you've had in mind.


 

Labels: God is Good

i am thanking God for my quite awesome Olevel results. :) (yes, to me it is quite awesome. nobody asked you.)

AND, currently i am preparing for the JC's PhysicalEducation curriculum, and enjoying Malaysian food.
well, you see, the catch is, you cant quite possibly acomplish both at the same time.

oh, im definitely praying for JC too.

in other words, all is well. :)

Labels: everyday's bits and pieces, God is Good

i dont know if you've been feeling the same way. but i've been quite anxious over the past week.

have you ever felt like you just needed someone to tell you what your life would turn out to be like, and you'd just have to follow the plan? you know, like you'd want to read the ending of the book first, so that'd you know what to expect at the front of the book, and you'd feel like your on the top of the world, just because you know where's the book heading, and however the characters contribute to the plot would just naturally make so much more sense.

well, i felt like that. and a hundred times worse.

i felt like there's so much to decide on right now. and every decision made would very much determine where im going to go from here. there's so many options, and you want to try everything, but you're not sure if that would make any sense to the bigger picture. its like now you think you want this, but somehow the sudden interest or passion just evaporates into thin air.

do you remember when you were young, you would tell mommy that you'd want to be a doctor when you grew up because you hated being sick, and doctors are never sick when you are? or the time you told daddy you wanted to be a lawyer so that you'll earn a lot of money to donate to the poor? or the time you told yourself you'd had enough and would definitely be a policeman and be the badguys' worst nightmare?
i wish i was that decisive now. the problem is i have no clue whatsoever about what i would like to see myself doing in the 10 years. dont get me wrong, i've thought about it, a lot. from aeronautical engineering, law, journalism, teaching, medicine, i've even thought about settling on being an air stewardess/tour guide, but nothing feels quite right.

believe me, i've been searching. they say do something you're passionate about, and i do believe in that. i wanna see myself doing something i love until i grow white hair (not only on my head, but even out of my ears), because i like doing it and i want to do it. there are people that inspire me so much with their careers, and seeing them contributing, touching people's lives with what they do best has really encouraged me to really want to look down deep into who i really am, and to go from there in working towards something i'd like to do.

but as you can see, to no avail.

and the fact that a certain Olevel certificate (that we'll most probably be receiving next week) would change a lot of circumstances on this path of finding a place in this world we live in was not much of a comfort.

it's this dreaded results that seemed (well, from this point of view) to be such a big decision factor right now. my mind has been keeping itself busy making plans for whatever results i might get.

it sounds something like this:
"if i get x points, i'll be in x JC, and i'll be taking x subjects.
but, if i get y points, i'll be y JC, and i'll be taking y subjects...."

see? i bet you think im pathetic.


BUT, that was an hour ago. i felt like the most kiasu person until an hour ago.

because i found this, again.

i came across this. this song has always been one of my favourites, and you'd have absolutely no idea how much this came as a comfort to me. it reminded me what this life was really about. that life was beyond that piece of paper. it reminded me of the phrase i lived by for the year 2009 "my upmost for His highest". it reminded me that even though i dont know, someone else much much greater than me (and the certificate) does know, and with faith, that would be more than enough.

because i was reminded that at the end of the day, i dont become a lawyer,i dont become a teacher, i dont become a policeman, i dont become a doctor. when we round it all up, im nothing but a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow, a wave tossed in the ocean, a vapour in the wind.

i am that small. even so, He would still hear me when im calling, He would catch me when im falling. AND only he has the answers regarding the future, about who im going to be. and His answers will come. but most importantly, with this song, i've been reminded that I am Yours.

and its very true. im part of the bigger picture somewhere, and God knows exactly where, and he'll show me. im not saying my childhood ambitions wont be realised. what im saying is that when the day comes for me to become a policeman, a doctor, or a journalist, i'd be HIS doctor/policeman/journalist, because it'll happen in His grace, not because of who i am, but because of what He's done, not because of what i've done, but because of who He is. and to me that's really the point, no?

my upmost for His highest. do your best, God will do the rest. i've done all i could when it came to the Os, and im leaving the rest to the author who does have the ending of the novel all planned up, and would put the characters in the right places so that the story would be for the best.

Lord, im not praying for the bext JC, im just praying for the right one. because who am i, but Yours?
so whom shall we fear again? :)

its funny, and amazing at the same time how He speaks to us, isnt it?

Labels: God is Good

HELLO! this is my 200th post. yeah, i know, its been a long time. i read all my other posts the other day, and i realised how i missed this place. :D
had always wanted to post something special, since it's my 200th post, and im known for having no patience in "hobbies" so this 2 years and still going blogging thing is very much of an acheivement. :DD

so i decided, i'll post a personal prayer, for every single one of you, specially the Olevel candidates?
so here goes,

Dear Father God in Heaven,
Thank you, Lord, for watching over us for the past year. Thank You for every encounter, every emotion, every day, every single person in our lives. Lord, we come to an end of the year, for many of us, we're coming to an end of a very memorable lap of our lives. I pray that every single one of us have grown in Your grace, that You have seen us through every step we take, every decision we make. This is the last lap, may we get through this difficult time also, in Your grace, according to Your plan. I  pray that You'll grant us the peace that surpass all understanding, the perseverance to not give up, the diligence to study for Your glory, and above it all, the knowledge that You are with us. Because if God is with us, who could be against us? You know the desires of our hearts, all the ambitions, all the dreams, and only you know how hard we've worked to come this far. Stay close, God, stay close.

Personally, i want to thank You for every single individual reading this. Thank you for blessing me with these angels, every single one of them. Everyday i spend time with these people, and i cant help but think how much You have blessed me with every single one of them. May You be with them, just like how You've been here with me. 

Wholeheartedly, i pray in Jesus' name. Amen.

i'll definitely be updating after the Os. we're going to have so much fun. i promise. :DDD
oh, im going home on the 29th, just incase you're wondering. so yup, im going to be quite freee. :DDD
you'll know what to do. hahah.
lots of things to tell you all about. hahah, you all better hope that i'll bring my camera around when im out having the time of my life. then this blog wont actually be mundane and boring.

ok, i think you're sick of me now, reading so much of me. but before you leave, i'll show you something, just so you can "recharge" (mdm tee's going to be so impressed!)

Labels: everyday's bits and pieces, God is Good

i realised that amist all the hecticness, i tend to forget all about God and how he has been so involved in my life this term.
    

Dear Father God,
thank you lord, for this term. thank you lord for your pressence in my life right then, and also right now.thank you lord for all that i have, all that i had and all that i didnt and dont have. for lord you have been faithful, help me to also be faithful to you lord. for there is no temptation that i go not go through through your grace, you knwo what im struggling with and what im dealing with. lord, help me to keep my mind on you and your plan. 
Amen. 
  

  

Labels: God is Good

Dear Father God In Heaven,
  

   

Labels: God is Good

HELLO WORLD!
Its sunday and im piled with books, SocialStudies, History, Literature, Physics, yada, yada.
I cant focus, i cant focus, i cant focus.
I know what i want, i know what im fighting for, but i cant do it. I cannot focus to save my live.
I make time, but i use it for something else. I need to grow up. I need to control.
Control, control, control.
  
Dear father Lord in heaven,
Keep me focused lord, help me stop my thoughts wandering off with all the distractions. Help me keep in mind what is important, help my prioritise the purpose of my life in your big plan you have for me. Keep me focused on you and for you. Lord, the road for the year ahead will not be easy, help me know that you are next to me or even carrying me in the times to come. Lord, you know me more than I may know myself, you know what i want, i know what i want. If it is according to your plan, help me fulfil it. Draw me close, keep me on track, refrain me from wandering away. I would also want to commit my friends to you Lord, everyone is going through the same thing, and everyone will face the same pressure one way or another, may they too grow in your grace. I love you. Amen.
 
Agent 4E204 thinks that 4/2's Self Awareness Camp was the bomb! (Thanks Justina for the Note)
Orientation was F-U-N! Light Blue House totally rule laah, mmuu-wwaaahhh!
 
Dont feel so good, going to excercise now.
  
p.s. why would anybody believe me when i claim to be bullimic?

Off now, dont think of me too much!

Labels: everyday's bits and pieces, God is Good

im anxious of facing tomorrow, because tomorrow marks the end of a point of this journey. i would say that this year wasnt the best year of my life, but hey, im still typing this, so yay me! well, lets just say this year has been a hell of a ride, but thank god i was blessed with enough divine intervention to pull through. Thank God for always being there, eventhough i might not have always lived up to what He expects of me. 
 
this year was about accepting, accpeting that God has a plan no matter what, accepting that with faith things happen, accepting that things do happen for a reason. i wont say that i've got all those at my fingertips, but surely i pray that i am on the right track.

the year comes to an end and another one comes rolling in. i really really am not prepared for what lies ahead, i know the next year would be tougher and thinking about it makes me nervous.

what if i screw up, again? what if i dont get what i want? what if i dissapoint? what if it wasnt worth it in the first place? what if...

i dont know. i dont know. i dont know. i really dont know.

having faith isnt my thing. believing isnt what i usually do.
but come what may, come what may, because somewhere deep enough inside, i know that theres someone much much bigger, much much greater than what im going through, what im going to go through that is in control. and you know what? he's my friend.

so as i get beautiful saviour by hillsongs vibrating my eardrums tonight. i try to believe, i try to have faith.

i face tomorrow. and the next and the next.
whoosh, here comes the rest of our lives.


  
Dear Father Lord in Heaven,
Draw me close to You, never let me go. I lay it all down again, to hear You say that I'm Your friend.You are my desire, no one else will do. 'Cause nothing else could take Your place, to feel the warmth of Your embrace. Help me find the way, bring me back to You.


You're all I want,you're all I've ever needed. You're all I want, help me know You are near.
Amen. Stay close.

Labels: everyday's bits and pieces, God is Good