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Tuesday, April 20, 2010 Posting from the Library,
and its cold in here, very cold.
its been really discouraging lately. with the little energy that i have that barely lasts me until the end of the day, im barely making it at all. im tired and i need more motivation. and i also need more time and a larger brain capacity. this is hard. and the fact that i just got told off for not saying hi, and not practicing "communication within the company" is not making my day any better. i need sleep. without setting my alarm clock. i need long long long long sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. |
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Friday, July 25, 2008 AHH. SHIT.
 原来回家是犯法的, 原来不信奉天主教业是犯法的, 原来成绩不比别人好更是犯法的. 你在班上耍我没关系, 你在我背后说我懒惰也没关系, 你是老师嘛, 我尊敬你, 反正没本事的是我. 我现在是很幼稚地在批评你, 对我不从你的出发点去想, 不给啊? 我玩到累了 拼到累了 给人叫到累了 话说到累了 装也装到麻了. 想回去把一切放下一下, 原来是犯法的. 本小姐在这个讨厌的地方呆得够久了 别人拼我也拼, 别人停我还在拼. 我,无论如何都还在拼. 我知道, 我拼出来的东西不好看. so? is that a reason then? just one day and its too much to ask? i never left during the June period, think about that. i have needs too. im not in school to boost up the freaking place's ranking. you'll never know how is it like, to live a life with your mask on with every breathe you take. even when you're asleep you try so hard not to have nightmares because you dont want to disturb your roommates. thats my life im living. and you'll never know. you know what. i dont really care. i just wanna go home. like right now. Labels: yes i'm grouchy |
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Wednesday, May 14, 2008 for you, from me.
i know you read my blog. but please dont talk about it. dont even pretend to care. just leave me ok. nobody got close ok. nobody. yea. i might be that girl going dodo all the time. but whats inside, hmph. you'd never know. so, just stop. stop caring. im fine on my own. i grew up like that. its just me. face the fact. Labels: yes i'm grouchy |
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yup.
pat 的一句“你有什么？”
口中不禁回答的“什么都没有” 我明白了。 果然什么都没有。 即使我有的也是没用的。 我知道了。我领悟了。 我懂了。 不用管我。 很久很久以前我已经是没人管了。 曾经想过。。。 算了。 现在也应该不需要吧？ 很好。 就这样吧。。。 Labels: yes i'm grouchy |
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Tuesday, May 13, 2008 im scared. scarred. sacred.
im scared, scared that this could all be for nothing. im scared that i'll fail everyone who loves me. im scared that all this i've been through was for nothing. im afraid, that i'll feel sorry for myself. im afraid, that i'll be worth nothing actually. please, please dont add to the pain. im helpless enough. Labels: yes i'm grouchy |
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Saturday, May 10, 2008 dear brain.
Dear brain, Are you happy now? After all I put in, you screw up? What’s wrong with you? All the time I spent, when they were laughing all the way, going out and stuff, I was with you helping you. And now what? You’re trying to tell me that it was all for nothing? I can't believe you, really. I can’t take it anymore. I put in a way lot for nothing, you tell me? Explain, explain to me why did I end up like this. Im losing everything. I can’t help it but I am. Friends? My clique? I bet im just that girl who sits there acting childish. Come on, im the youngest, im supposed to be immature? Nobody takes me seriously. He was my best friend here. But now he has a girlfriend and all he does is talks and talks and talks. What about me? I give up so much just to belong, just to show that im not what you think I am, but this is what I get? Fine. Great. Ok. Right. Maybe I shouldnt blame you. It was me. Ok? I was wrong for that confidence. I thought that everything would be fine, that I was well prepared after all I have put in. I was wrong ok? I am always wrong. Hmph. And I thought that I could make them proud for once. How do you expect me to go to Beijing with a peace of mind? Huh? Its like this now. And there’s no way back. I prepared, I worked, I strived. Why isn’t it working? What do you want me to do now? I have nothing. I am nothing. I give up. Love, nianci. Labels: yes i'm grouchy |
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Sunday, March 30, 2008 even me myself.
i never knew i could fall into a pit as dark and deep
i never knew i could fall into a pit as dark and deep. i never knew i could feel so useless. i never knew i could be so dissapointed in myself. you used to say because im a year younger. but this doesnt apply anymore. look at him. look at her. look at them. you dont see them like me. dad said to not compare with others. that everyone goes at their own pace. but how cant i when the whole world is comparing with me? i really wanted it. i was really looking forward to it. but you ended up saying that i dont have commitment?! you'd never know just how much i'll do for the same feeling again. the feeling of togetherness. the family feeling. The feeling of indifference when we were together those were the people i love. the people i trust. the people i was with when i didnt miss home. when i was happy. but now. you say im not commited enough. you just wouldnt give me the chance. why? i wanna scream at you, beat you up and convince you. but what can i do? ask her? now that wouldnt be fair. im just not up to standards. that ill try to accept. no. that i must accept. its just me. its me who’s the failure. im sorry. i cant help it. its over now. ill try to get over it. i hope ill stop caring. stopped 3 minutes ago. i hope. Labels: yes i'm grouchy |
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Sunday, March 16, 2008 at the point of no return
great. im leaving tomorrow.
this week bach here. *sigh. ok. im laying down the facts. Malaysia.................... Singapore. CHS............................ CHIJ. Friends...................... nothing but girls. Boyfriend................... nobody Chinese Ochestra..... Band. Volleyball.................. nothing. Piano Grade 8.......... a hard to book music room Cello (ochestra competition)......... who knows CHurch footstools................... too big a church to wonder. Fun............................ nothing. Smiles........................ tears. Craziness................... emoness. Parents in school...... teachers. Dicipline teacher....... some wannabe. Fun subjects.............. responsibilities we have to bear. People i LOVE............ STRANGERS ok. there. i laid it all down. they said that i was worth it. shut up la. what do you think now. i hate it so much. nobody understands how much i want to go back in time. go back to the way it was. how i wished things had never changed. anyways. its all to late now. im at the point of no return. whatever. im hurting and its too late. Labels: yes i'm grouchy |
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Thursday, March 13, 2008 magic word of the day = HOMEWORK.
im so bored right now.
i have nothing to do. ok. fine. i do have something to do. my HOMEWORK. yes. i do have homework. homework? yes. its that pile i left on the table to collect dust. grr. to relieve myself. i shall tell the whole world what my teachers gave me to torture. Presenting... 1. Physics Worksheet. 2. E math Worksheet. 3. A math Workbook. 4.Chemistry Worksheet. 5.English Essay 6. Prepare Unseen Prose. 7. Read Raisin in the Sun 8. Physics Excercise Book 9. Physics Workbook. 10. Prepare Chinese Oral 11. Chinese News Report Thingy. 12. Chemistry Past Year Paper. yes. thats how they did it. they are heartless, heartless i tell you. Labels: yes i'm grouchy |
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Monday, March 3, 2008 grr.
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Tuesday, February 26, 2008 he said.she said
she cried to him:
"make me laugh" he said: "you dont know how much i love you" she said: "..." she said: "you dont know how not funny that is" Labels: yes i'm grouchy |
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Wednesday, February 20, 2008 so... nothing
i came back salty again… Gotta sign out now. Not really in the mood of blogging right now... toodlez. =] Labels: yes i'm grouchy |
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Monday, February 11, 2008 minutes
hah! finally got it done. i finally got the picture you see on the top of the screen you're looking at online. im a genius. NOT! nah. its 2345. 15 more minutes and im 15. i am not excited. i am not enthusiastic. im just tired. i wanna go home. Pat is sleeping. so quiet. feel like crying. ugh. somebody. hug me. 2348. i manage to kill 3 minutes. accomplishment. whee? lame. really lame. i just realised that Nica can type really fast. suppose to tag breanna right now. will ask for her address tomoro. thanks dear for the rainbow pencil case. ok. now its 2350. 10 more minutes. why am i even doing this. i dont even look foward to it. ugh. whats happening to me. great. screw me. lalalalaaz. i dont care. logging out. maybe i'll be in the mood of blogging tomorrow. oh yeah. welcome to nianci's blog. yay? yup. Labels: yes i'm grouchy |
First there are the ones who read it, listen to what is said and absorb it, all of it. Then they draw an impression of her in their minds, and she stays like that to them until she does not matter, just because they are simple enough to take it all in, every single piece of it. 
