A Ninny's Pace.

On My Way.

Hey. I hope that while you are reading this, there's no judgement. I write to express. And that's all there is to this. I hope that somewhere in this heap of words you'll find something. We're all just finding ourselves out there, but we needn't do it alone.
I wish you love.

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Wednesday, April 2, 2014

The shift.

So it's been almost a year since I last wrote. I won't say anything life changing, paradigm shifting has happened. But I have most definitely grown. I am growing and will still continue struggling to grow, to fit the mould I am still trying to shape. I want to write about it all, but it's become difficult to string words together to reflect my realities. It's been too long. I will try. I just know that I am incredibly blessed to have made it thus far, and I want to keep going. So many things mean so differently now, and that scares me but drives me too in a way I cannot understand. I want to venture out, try new things and move on. Everything is cluttered but I am slowly putting pieces together.

It is but a process. I am but the product of my own journey. And I am grateful to you who listen, read and cross your fingers (pray) for me.

Here we go again.

Labels: word vomit.

08:17

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Found this in Drafts. Am I still struggling with this?

A friend told me that I should leave it all behind, because I have a new life here and life back Home will always be there. But sometimes I wonder if it is me not wanting to look Change in the eye, or is it that I'm trying not to make the same mistakes, to let people just slip away and be all right with it.

Labels: word vomit.

09:48

Monday, November 26, 2012

It feels like this. It feels like you have words dying to escape from you, words that you're too scared to pen down because you know they are true. They are laced with your own desires and ambition which are probably too big for your own good. Yet you feel them too much and this fuels these words. You know that when the words come you are probably going to let them come out anyway. Because you think that this is your gift to the world and that this would somehow make a difference to someone somewhere. You dont think much about these words, you let them rush out of you, in no order whatsoever. You let them say what they want to say, never what you want to say. You let them own you and then torture you but you also realise that these words built you up (but they crush you first). You hear these words and you are ashamed but you dont want to take them back because you know that they are meant to be heard. You feel like you've been betrayed and misunderstood but you know that they are mere reflections of you. These words, they are you. They are every thought you've conceived, every secret you've concealed, every feeling you've suppressed and every intention you've decided to not put into action.

It feels like this. You speak big words and then you hear them and then you feel inadequate. Because you know words are never enough just like how you are never going to be enough.

It doesnt feel better that most of my words are about you.

---
It's midnight and it's raining (typical Manchester weather). I am confused and overwhelmed by unecessary and irrelevant emotions. I really dont know who/what/why/where/how am I writing (about). I just needed to. Ignore my bad grammar and incoherence. I can't be bothered. CANT I JUST BE NUMB.

Rant over. Back to contract.

Labels: word vomit., writing the unwritten, you

08:00

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Hello world.

Hello everyone. So i havent been writing anything for such a long time. I havent even been writing anything in my head. I am all blanked out.

Yet, i dont want to lose this part of me in the Internet. This place has been solace for such a long time, and to have something as a testament of the days I've lived through and the growth, this is precious.

So a little update on what's been happening:

I've been teaching! I'm currently teaching primary school kids. I started out thinking this would be easy because I generally do really well with kids but lo and behold, I was wrong. Being a teacher is difficult and it's not just the marking, it's the kids. I'm still really determined to not punish anyone, but by the way things are going, it certainly seems that I need to be scarier. Nonetheless the experience is rewarding, though I'm sure I'd probably not be a teacher, not at this level anyway. To see my students differentiating "an amount of" from "a number of" does make one feel somewhat happy and proud. Well, here's to another month (or more?) of teaching. The pay is quite good given the amount of hours I'm putting in and the incredible internet speed accessible, so maybe I'll stay for a little while longer.
Well, despite the job. I've been pretty much slacking at home. Going to start my driving lessons and hopefully by the end of 2 months, I'll be driving! Taking my first ride on a car with Joshua just made me felt different and all grown up. (We ARE all grown up, see point 3 ) Speaking of learning, also taking French classes out of interest. It is more difficult than I thought it would be, and the perception that it's similar to English is total bull because French is so specific, there are so many linguistic rules! Back to the point, I'm kind of enjoying myself at home. Good food, good people, and the license to be lazy all day long.
Caught up also with friends, from the gang from primary school to even Matthew, it all seems surreal. One moment we're 10 years old and playing catch around the school compound and then 10 years later here we are going off to different places, chasing our own dreams. The feeling is so alien, like we (I) dont fit in anywhere at all, like we're (i'm) all just a work in progress. (It could be just me.) Also made me realise how temporary everything is, people come people go, and sometimes, when we're really lucky, we might just meet again. (Yet, when this happens, we no longer know what to say/do.)
Wondered who I really am actually, because I always catch myself drifting in and out of character. What character am I anyway? I feel like I might just be playing multiple roles and can't decide which one I really love enough to stick through with it. I sound senile.
Parents been mentioning about university and the a-level results. The mention of "sitting down and talk about where I want to go" keep resurfacing. I think they dont understand that I know what I want to do and just refuse to try to. It's like they dont hear me at all, like they only see the mould that they assume I should fit perfectly in. And more honestly, I'm tired of talking/listening about it. I'll just take it as it comes. ~~The recurring dreams of my Alevel Certificate have been unnerving enough.~~
Birthday's in 3 days and Valentine's in 5. Getting older by the year but I dont feel wiser. Maybe a little more jaded and a little more empty. When I was younger I took pride in my youth, but now that it's slowly slipping away, I feel kind of powerless. But there's a few more 19 years to come (I hope), and I know things will work itself out.
I think I miss Singapore/School/Some People.

So that was random word vomit on what's been happening. I'm sorry if I sound a little sad or anything, I assure you I'm not! Probably just being overly pensive.

This post probably made up for the mandatory inspiring post I usually post at the start of every year, albeit less optimistic.

I will try my best to write more. I miss writing, I miss feeling strongly.

So you've wandered long enough, time to come home and tell me everything.

Labels: everyday's bits and pieces, word vomit.