It feels like this. It feels like you have words dying to escape from you, words that you're too scared to pen down because you know they are true. They are laced with your own desires and ambition which are probably too big for your own good. Yet you feel them too much and this fuels these words. You know that when the words come you are probably going to let them come out anyway. Because you think that this is your gift to the world and that this would somehow make a difference to someone somewhere. You dont think much about these words, you let them rush out of you, in no order whatsoever. You let them say what they want to say, never what you want to say. You let them own you and then torture you but you also realise that these words built you up (but they crush you first). You hear these words and you are ashamed but you dont want to take them back because you know that they are meant to be heard. You feel like you've been betrayed and misunderstood but you know that they are mere reflections of you. These words, they are you. They are every thought you've conceived, every secret you've concealed, every feeling you've suppressed and every intention you've decided to not put into action.

It feels like this. You speak big words and then you hear them and then you feel inadequate. Because you know words are never enough just like how you are never going to be enough.

It doesnt feel better that most of my words are about you.




---
It's midnight and it's raining (typical Manchester weather). I am confused and overwhelmed by unecessary and irrelevant emotions. I really dont know who/what/why/where/how am I writing (about). I just needed to. Ignore my bad grammar and incoherence. I can't be bothered. CANT I JUST BE NUMB.

Rant over. Back to contract.

Labels: word vomit., writing the unwritten, you

We were waiting. And although you weren't even here yet, this space was already warmed by the flame that was idea of you. Cheeks pressed against the cold glass windows, we waited. We had wanted to catch the first glimpse of you walking up the pavement covered in snow.

We spent all the warmth left in the room, waiting. We waited and you never did arrive. You never will.

(We are well. Seasons change and so we understand. Spring is around the corner. The sun will bring the warmth you never were able to give. We've done this once before, we'll do this again.)

Labels: writing the unwritten

It dawned upon me how so many things in life are intangible. I came to realisation that we all really are just souls going around, parading a cause, or maybe just searching.We fall in love, we quest for meaning and we grow. The personal mountains we conquer are always personal and spiritual, never materialistic, and never a competition. Yet the world convinces us otherwise. They merely plant False Hopes, feeding us Deceptions that builds only Shaky Foundations as we climb higher to reach the Next Big Thing. We'd never know when we'd fall. And then eventually we do.

Don't you see? We're looking under the wrong Rocks. We're climbing the wrong Hills.We dont belong Here at all.

Labels: writing the unwritten

I somehow find myself in the exact same places all the time. I get disapointed. I need to learn how to accept that not everything works our, not everything is perfect and that not all stories conclude with a happy ending. I need to learn that good things come in pairs, the good along with the not so great. But there will always be assurance that we grow stronger when we learn how to walk against the roaring waves towards the dawning sun. The walk is sometimes lonely and the struggle often tiresome. Yet nothing is beyond our reach. Sometimes, the lone obstacles of our journeys is our very selves.

So take the first step and go. The horizon awaits.









I want to be the girl with the pretty hair and pretty smile. Wait, that sounded really vain and weird. Alrights.
Chem SPA tomorrow. The only thing i dont enjoy about SPAs is that the fact that the lab desperately needs much more ventilation, makes the room so stuffy. Almost like a real spa. :(

Labels: running in my head and heart, writing the unwritten

I had all these words in my head. Something I had really wanted to be said.  These words would speak of honesty, of love, of beauty, of passion. Yet, they would reek of heartbreak, of hatred, of disappointments. And traces of these words I would leave on my skin, hoping someone would see the me within.

But now it's vanished. The words are gone. The paragraphs dismantled, the lines scrambled, the letters jumbled up in a complete mess.

Just like you, these words were caught up in my head. I had hoped that they'll turn out right, turn out strong, turn out beautiful. Yet, the words went up in the flames of False Hopes. Nothing wrong, yet nothing strong, and nothing quite beautiful. A lot like us. I made you up in my head, hoping you'll come true. But far away you go instead, to join the string of words I've never said.

Now we've vanished.  Our story ends. Our dreams dismantled, our hearts scrambled. Everything's a mess.

Rest.














I really should be doing my History SBQ and Math now. Off I go. :)

Labels: writing the unwritten

It's a little like this:

It's a feeling that wont go away, a quiet ache that lurks, a fine crack that is raging to be filled, it's a bitter cocktail of anger, sorrow and disappointment, it's like your whole body is gasping for air and you inhale and inhale but it's never going to be enough and you always feel cold in the warmest places and you let your mind wander to dark corners (you're safe there) and you get lost in your thoughts and you wont look people in the eye (they'll never see what you're holding inside) and then you build walls around you and you distract yourself with sex, drugs and alcohol (you don't know how to feel anymore) and then you hope to disappear.

And it feels like the only way out of this is to rip yourself apart and keep that aching muscle they call your heart away from youself.

You see, it feels a little like that, exactly like how it did years ago. You see, I still bite my nails.


-----------------------------------------------
And I don't know why.

Labels: running in my head and heart, writing the unwritten

Today we talked about someone close who seems to have drifted further and further away. When mentioning him/her, we took on a tone of disapproval, a tone of disbelief which also carried a tinge of indifference. Like it was normal, almost like we could relate.

I guess we do see ourselves in him/her after all, at least I do. How we mould ourselves to be aligned with definition someone else throws at us and change to become the most comfortable in tandem with the people we are surround ourselves with, baffles me. We define ourselves based on what we'd want someone else to see in ourselves. Because somehow the way we see ourselves becomes less important, less worthy. It's almost like we dont really need to deal with ourselves anymore, I'm living for someone else to love anyway. We always choose the easy way out, to allow someone else to define us. Slowly, we allow it to become more difficult to look deep into our souls and honestly accept every weakness and strength we possess because of the fear that it's not attractive enough for someone else's liking.

We allow every moment of our weakness to be concealed behind bright eyed smiles and loud but empty laughter. But deep inside we're aching of betrayal and guilt, which we also conveniently sweep under the rug.

So which part of ourselves wins? So who do we eventually choose to become?

To suppress, deny, conceal and hide. All is done to impress, to fit in, to be normal. 


But is anyone actually ever normal?

Labels: everyday's bits and pieces, running in my head and heart, writing the unwritten

We sit here, waiting.

The tides come in, the water comes up. Our dresses get wet. We watch the walls around us tumble and fall and the furniture float away.

You tell me you’ll sit on the table, because then you’d be able to see them come home for us, which is very soon. I sit on the chair as I watch you hope for something I know would not happen. How do I tell you? I don’t.

You wait, as the skies turn blue and the water cools.

I wait, because I’m trying to believe too.

Labels: writing the unwritten

oh no you weren’t. we’re exact opposites. we should be the last people on earth to fall in love with each other. you were not made for me. i just learnt to love you. i learnt to love you as a whole for whoever you are, and for whoever you will be. i learnt to love your music preferences, and learnt to laugh at your unusual dietary habits. and you did the exact same thing for me, because love is a two-way thing.

because you were not made for me. i learnt that love can overcome all. loving you isnt easy, loving you without expectations was difficult. but as i walk with you, as my days are filled with more and more of you, i learnt to fight for you, fight for ourzdifferences, fight for what makes us distinct individuals. i learned to love enough hold on to us, hold on to what we feel, hold on on to the joy when we’re together. because our love works that way.

you were not made for me, but im still very in love with you. and that surpasses all

Labels: writing the unwritten

And this is how I want you to love me. Naked and honest. In your eyes I see shadows of myself. I see dreams of us. I see my soul tangled with yours.

You hold me up and I soar for you. I love you, i love you, i love you.

Our forevers end when we do. And this is why I cannot lose you.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I love history. I love history. I love history. But I cant seem to settle down and study for it. I admit that i spent most of the afternoon sleeping and tumblring. Ahhhh, i want to write stuff again. God, help me focus. I actually like this subject.

So terms so far has been okay. I'm still breathing, but it's annoying when everyone else ends their exams earlier than you do. The subjects have been fine, expecting better grades for Chem and Physics this time around (fingers crossed) and just hoping that i wont disappoint. But you see I've prepared and done my best, so the results is the least of my problems. :) Heeeee.

Labels: everyday's bits and pieces, writing the unwritten

I observe the space around me. Dark, lifeless, stubborn and empty. This emptiness I'm in the middle of, is there a way out?

There. A spark in the distance. A glimmer of hope. It fades.

I am in this suffocating darkness, so cold and hard. Where do I go from here?

Warmth radiates from somewhere deep beyond this universe of black.

Excuse me, anyone here? Someone? Anyone?
And here I continue to sit. (Is this even solid ground I'm sitting on? Am I even here? Is this just a dream? Or is this just me trapped within myself?)

There. I see it again. The spark. No, the flame. It flashes of red, orange and yellow. It shares the warmth. I comes nearer to me. I can almost taste the burning passion.

It touches me. I am consumed; I glow of fiery red; I reek of heated passion. Yet, I am not burnt.

I am the flame. Ignited, I roar with pride and zeal. There was no pain, just release. I am free.

Ignited, I bid darkness goodbye. Ignited, I let my deepest fears burn, my long-forgotten hopes and dreams shine.

Labels: writing the unwritten

You and I. We're stuck in between. Aware of each others existence, yet we're not there. We're not friends, nor are we strangers. Yet, why do i feel like i've known you better than this.


I know the music you listen to, as I once claimed them to be mine. It feels like you've unintentionally sought refuge in my soul, yet I know nothing about you.

And I want to. I want to know if you feel the same sense of uncertainty when you see me.  I want to know if you'd let your mind wander off to our conversations we could have shared. I want to know if you'd ever imagined what your words would sound like answering mine. Do you also feel butterflies?

 We hum to the same melodies, sigh at the same poetry, and allow our souls to be taken away by the same voices.But we're still not friends neither are we strangers.

So are you waiting also for the day I've been waiting so patiently for? Do you wish one day these walls between us will crumble and fade into the background while we let our souls explore and embrace each other?

I do. And I'd like to think you feel the same way too.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't know what to feel about this post. It's somewhat true, but too overly dramatised. I think I really enjoy writing stuff.

Labels: writing the unwritten, you

With you i stand tall and fearless. With you i am safe. With you i find courage. May these walls crumble, these stones shatter and may the water fall. Yet with your arms around me, i am planted here, unshaken.

You and I are the only constant I know. Changes are inevitable but I am always with you as you will always be with me.

Against the world. I am loyal. To you. To us.

With you i found love. With you I am staying.





picture by Randy Martin

Labels: writing the unwritten

They took your things away while you were gone. they told me they needed to investigate, they needed evidence. they ask me if i suspected anything before you left. i said no. they looked around our room. they noticed our wedding portrait and i remember the sweet love you made to me the night before. i remembered the surprise i have for you when you come back this thursday. i smiled to myself. i looked at the portrait again. we were happy, we are happy. they probed around some more. they asked more questions. i answered patiently.

and then, they told me you're dead. they told me you hung yourself to your extinction. in their navy blue uniforms, they looked at me with sympathy.

i looked them in the eye. i told them no. i told them they must have made a mistake. i told them you would have told me. i told them i would have known. i told them i would have felt you leave me. i told them i would have followed you.

they said they were sorry. i asked them to leave. they left.

right now, im here, waiting for you to come home. come home weary, dear, come home helpless, come home broken. i dont care. come home, come home to me.

Labels: writing the unwritten

don't you see. i need something more than this.
i need something magical, something extraordinary.
i need adventure, i need danger, i need poetry, i need music. i need adrenaline running through these veins.
i need you.
you show me your very own platform nine and three quarters.
i look at you. you take my hand.
let’s go.





--------
goodnight world.

Labels: writing the unwritten

I questioned our significance in this life again. Standing on the 50th floor, looking at the city below, all the magnificence of the city buzz fades away, leaving mere glimmers of light. What seemed of upmost importance on ground level suddenly becomes mere events that happens for the sake of happening.

Really, are we fighting for the right things anymore? Have we been distracted by all the glitz and glamour of what the view from the ground floor has to offer, and are merely putting our hearts on insignificant, unimportant, irrelevant things? Are we really working for the really important things, the things that actually matter? Or is it that we don’t actually have a clue? That we’re hoping that by doing everything, we’re bound to do something right?

Too many questions unanswered. I wish I had the view of the 50th floor more often.

Im waiting on You.

Labels: inspired oohlaalaas, writing the unwritten

i wish i could talk to ants. the tiny things. maybe we could talk over tea, we'll eat cupcakes with icing and then have icecream with really sweet tea. and i would look them in their little eyes and try to figure out why these timid creatures go through everything they have to put up with. why persevere day and night looking for something you might not find? something that you may not even be able to get a taste of at the end of the day? is it really worth it? pushing on day after day carrying loads you'd never think you'd have to carry? seriously how do these tiny insects cope?

this just doesnt make sense.

but until i am mysteriously blessed with such talents, i'd be sitting here,  watching them, watch them carry all the icing, cupcakes and even icecream away.

do they really know why? or are they, just like everyone else, merely going through the motions, just because it's what you just have to do?

i wish i could talk to ants.


p.s.: do ants find true love? do you think the scriptwriter of A Bug's Life could've really talked to ants, thus, how the movie was inspired?

Labels: writing the unwritten

No, i didnt give you my heart. I just slipped it into your pocket and hoped to God that you wouldnt notice that it was actually with you. No, i dont need you to love me back. I just need to have you here with me, just as a friend. Because i dont want to be disappointed. Because i cant bear to pick up anymore pieces of what's left of this heart. Because what scares me most is that i would love you more than you would love me. I didnt give you my heart, i slipped into your pocket hoping you wouldnt notice, because loving you is all this heart wants to do.

Labels: everyday's bits and pieces, inspired oohlaalaas, writing the unwritten

it's funny how i still hope you'd come around again, to say hello and just talk about anything at all, you know? but as the days pass and we go on to live our own lives, the fact that you were once the one that gave me all that hope becomes more and more surreal. but who am i to complain? we could have had each other and cared nothing about this world, but it was i that wouldnt let you in. i look back now and of course i do miss you. but some things just never will change, and fighting for you is still not an option. i still wont let myself go there. move on, that's all we can do, maybe we're just friends that were meant to just be mere strangers. this time, im skipping the goodbyes.

Labels: everyday's bits and pieces, writing the unwritten