It feels like this. It feels like you have words dying to escape from you, words that you're too scared to pen down because you know they are true. They are laced with your own desires and ambition which are probably too big for your own good. Yet you feel them too much and this fuels these words. You know that when the words come you are probably going to let them come out anyway. Because you think that this is your gift to the world and that this would somehow make a difference to someone somewhere. You dont think much about these words, you let them rush out of you, in no order whatsoever. You let them say what they want to say, never what you want to say. You let them own you and then torture you but you also realise that these words built you up (but they crush you first). You hear these words and you are ashamed but you dont want to take them back because you know that they are meant to be heard. You feel like you've been betrayed and misunderstood but you know that they are mere reflections of you. These words, they are you. They are every thought you've conceived, every secret you've concealed, every feeling you've suppressed and every intention you've decided to not put into action.

It feels like this. You speak big words and then you hear them and then you feel inadequate. Because you know words are never enough just like how you are never going to be enough.

It doesnt feel better that most of my words are about you.




---
It's midnight and it's raining (typical Manchester weather). I am confused and overwhelmed by unecessary and irrelevant emotions. I really dont know who/what/why/where/how am I writing (about). I just needed to. Ignore my bad grammar and incoherence. I can't be bothered. CANT I JUST BE NUMB.

Rant over. Back to contract.

Labels: word vomit., writing the unwritten, you

Today I learnt not to hold on too tightly to first impressions we have on people, they are always inaccurate. I had  a good talk with a friend today and after the whole conversation did I realise that I was absolutely mistaken about this person. We always tend to stereotype people based on what we think we know about them, and then they fit the stereotype in our minds forever, because we don't make the effort to get to know them. And I'm glad I did get to know this friend. Heeeee.

Speaking about friends, I cannot stress this enough. I am truly blessed. I have the most amazing people in my life. I was feeling really down yesterday and posted something totally self obssesed on twitter and like 0498501285719384793487130195347595 tweeted back and cheered me up! Okay, not really 093873109438741093470 people, but it did make me all warm and fuzzy inside.

And this is why, I want to be a good friend (person) too. I shall start small:

• I will be nice to J. I know I'm not the best person when it comes to J. But I will try, I'd never know right, I might find some sort of common ground with J and then we'll actually be on good talking terms. 
• I will not allow my "not being a morning person" intimidate people. I will start smiling every morning. YESYESYES, no matter how little sleep I've had the night before, I will become a nice girl in the morning.
• I will not judge people. Whatever the case is. I am a neutral litmus paper.

Most importantly, Motivation is back. I am seriously making my Secondary 4 self very proud right now. The past month or so has been especially confusing for me. I felt like I was rushed into so much to decide on when everyone seems all set to go. I always tell people to just be Faithful and all things would work out, but I've never seemed to take my own advice. I guess it is only in Desperation do you see what's Needed To Be Done. I Thank God for the pass 3 weeks though, I've learnt so much. Aunty Linda mentioned recently to not be afraid to dream and not be intimidated by our Dreams, which I thought which was really true. Why hold ourselves back? Who knows what could happen? Who knows what God could do? And so, Journalism, this heart is set on You.  This time in five years maybe I'll be Writing. Why not?

But for now, it's 173 more days to the Exams. 173 more days committed to the Dream. It's going to be quite wonderful, I hope.

Labels: everyday's bits and pieces, running in my head and heart, you

You and I. We're stuck in between. Aware of each others existence, yet we're not there. We're not friends, nor are we strangers. Yet, why do i feel like i've known you better than this.


I know the music you listen to, as I once claimed them to be mine. It feels like you've unintentionally sought refuge in my soul, yet I know nothing about you.

And I want to. I want to know if you feel the same sense of uncertainty when you see me.  I want to know if you'd let your mind wander off to our conversations we could have shared. I want to know if you'd ever imagined what your words would sound like answering mine. Do you also feel butterflies?

 We hum to the same melodies, sigh at the same poetry, and allow our souls to be taken away by the same voices.But we're still not friends neither are we strangers.

So are you waiting also for the day I've been waiting so patiently for? Do you wish one day these walls between us will crumble and fade into the background while we let our souls explore and embrace each other?

I do. And I'd like to think you feel the same way too.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't know what to feel about this post. It's somewhat true, but too overly dramatised. I think I really enjoy writing stuff.

Labels: writing the unwritten, you

It kind of scares me when i look back and contemplate on all the past broken relationships i've had i am actually indifferent about all the fall outs. I think whilst growing up, i've become less dependent on everybody else. I mean i have lots of great friends, but nothing more. Even if i lose them, I'd give in, and i'll lose them without a fight I have my walls anyway. I no longer see who i used to be in myself anymore. I dont know why, how or when did this start happening.

I think somewhere deep inside, I expect everything to end. And thus, I'd be okay with it. I move on too quickly and I accept too easily. It's a whole touch-and-go routine.


Funny, somehow I feel that you have something to do with it. You were probably the only one i truly opened up to. Nobody else actually came as close. It still hurts when I think of you. I should have been there more for you. Me and my stupid pride.

I was young. Too young to have met you. Do you still think of me like how i think of you?













dont worry, there is a very very very high chance this "you" isnt you. no frets.

Labels: you

i talked about you yesterday. i guess its one of those attempts where i try to make peace with the fact that i didnt do anything to stop you from not being here. it was easy talking about you. but me thinking about you and all that happened after all the talk came down hard on me. i need more time.





at this rate, im going to get married only when im 34.

Labels: you

Yes, i am aware that i’ve come to a place where nothing around me seems to affect me, that im not moved by anyone anymore. You call it walls i build around me, denying anyone any access to come in, not even come close. You say because of these “walls” i choose to be oblivious, i choose to be ignorant to all the other hearts around me. Yes, maybe you’re right. Maybe i did just choose to be the bitch i appear to be, to be cold-hearted, to be heartless, to be selfish. But you dont know. You dont know how bad this heart’s been broken. You dont know how long it took to superglue the million broken pieces of this heart together. But I do. And I’m telling you, superglue is not cheap, and even if it isn’t expensive, i’d still wouldn’t bring myself to go through all of that again. Because i know exactly the feeling of waking up feeling so empty as you watched yet another person walk out of your life the night before, i know exactly the feeling of trying to breathe because you have to, and not want to. i know it all too well. and ever since i promised myself i wouldnt let this happen to me again, ever since i built these “walls” of mine, i’ve never felt ant safer, i’ve never felt any less vulnerable, i’ve never felt any stronger. so please, dont take this away from me.

ok, another one i wrote when i was bored. this one's a wee bit more relevant to me, i guess?

Labels: writing the unwritten, you

when things happen, they just do. dont they?

no warning, no hints, no pending approval.

and when you thought you could point a finger that its happening right there, right then, would you only get a call from reality that their system was down and there was a lag in information transfer and that all that you feared would happen, has happened. past tense. it happened long enough in the past to leave you just hanging there, just, just hanging there, for all to see. great.

maybe it was Ignorance that helped to blind, it could have been Complacency that blurred the vision. maybe it was the feeble Confidence that took everything for granted. and together, they conjured their very own voodoo, turning things sour when and where it would hurt the most.

such fun. really? i havent got a clue. its me? its me.
all i know is i dont want to fall out, not now, not ever, not us.

i need to know whats wrong, tell me.
at least i know right?

p.s.: i wont be posting much now. my baby's with Ms Friska for safekeeps.

Labels: you

this one's for you. the one who puts on my smile. the one who has been there behind the worlds back. this only one who was able to understand what it feels like to cry upon listening to some random song. seriously, we were nothing alike, yet nothing too different. we clicked well.

too bad for us, things change and it tags those who are not strong enough along with it. we changed, maybe for the better, maybe not, but definitely not together. it's was nobody fault. i guess none of us was just strong enough, not holding tight enough. i'd say we took each other for granted. we had never believed that one day we'd end up this way.


yea, maybe at a point in time there was a glimpse of  hope for us, and chance for us turn things around, an opportunity to get back to how we were. a slight anointing telling us that maybe, just maybe we could have start over again. but it slipped away. and i was okay with it. i screwed it. and now sorry doesnt mean a thing anymore. me and you, there's nothing we can do.


writing this, im really tired. tired of putting up with you. tired of me being tired of us going on like this. i dont like my self like this. enough. i give up and i give in.

i think this will be it then. the end of the journey we started together. the final period of the story. its over.

i still miss you. but i think its best to keep you off  my mind.

Labels: running in my head and heart, you